The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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