I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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