if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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