I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
