It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
