your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
