He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
