I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
