my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
