im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
