there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
