My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
