turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
