you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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