When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
