DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
