She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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