Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize