You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
