then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
