i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
