My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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