She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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