I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
