Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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