I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
