woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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