Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sober January is a disaster.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
