Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
