Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
