the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
love makes seman taste better
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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