I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
