nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
