i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
