In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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