we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
