Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
