The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
