I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
