Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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