Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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