The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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