I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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