Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
