Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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