Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
