The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
