there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
