I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
