I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We smell like vodka and hangover
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
