note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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