I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
