hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
