I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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