Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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