I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
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